Birthday Blues

In a few hours, I will be turning 28.

And I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.

I’ve always said I won’t get past age 30. I don’t know why I said that in the past but that’s just how I feel anyway. I’ve asked the Lord that if He should take my life away, it should be on my birthday.

So. 28. Big number.

I want a REALLY GREAT birthday tomorrow. Something I haven’t had for the past few years. Last year, I did spend it with friends but looking back, I’m not sure if they had fun. Hell, I didn’t have fun because I was with an abusive boyfriend. I think I drank way too much too fast and I was asleep before anyone had gotten a buzz.

Anyway, I celebrate my birthdays with my parents (usually a lunch or a dinner) then have a party with my friends the nearest weekend to my birthday. This year, though, I’m not sure if I want the party with friends.

I’m having a crisis and it’s something that I would very much like to write about here but I can’t since it’s too personal.

So let’s focus on my hopes for my birthday:

• I hope to go to Santorini, Greece. Mostly for the scenery but I’m also hoping to be swept off my feet by an impossibly gorgeous straight man who is also sweet and kind and smart. Yes, I read way too much romance novels and watch way too many romantic movies.
• I hope to win big money in the lottery if and when I do buy a ticket.
• I really would like to get a gift-wrapped present. Something that was bought while thinking of me, just for me. You know? I haven’t gotten one on my birthday for the last couple of years. It’s always been cash from my parents and good cheer from my friends.
• World peace. Really. Sincerely. World peace.

28. I keep coming back to the number.

Sometimes, I think my twenties life could be made on to a chick-lit book. Only if I knew how it would end first. I really would love a happy ending.

So I’m 28, right? I am pretty happy with my job. It’s almost ideal. I’ve got a few trusted friends. Relationship with my parents are okay. Some would say we’re close but we have our moments as a family.

But sometimes I think what if I died? Or what if I was gone? How would things be different? Would I be missed? Will things be better or worse for some people if I hadn’t existed? I guess the main question is “What is my impact in this world?”

And “Will I always be alone?”

Yes, sometimes I feel lonely even if I am not alone. I’ve been single for four years (how about we don’t count the last one with whom I wasted almost two years) and like anyone else, I just really want to be with “The One” (cue music: dun dun dunnnnnnnnn). [While reading, please make sure to pause slightly longer than usual before “The One”. Thanks!]

Gah! Is this what aging feels like? Very emotional and very..ugh…something.

I think I may be undergoing quarter life crisis. My thoughts reminded me of the following poem:

The Quarter-Life Crisis
by unknown

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

 

I really would like to end this post on a positive note. So I thought Katy Perry would help me out a bit. The song has great encouraging lyrics and well, frankly, I think this song should be played by anyone every time things get too depressing.

 

 

Here’s to hoping I’ll get a great 28th birthday! Cheers! :)